VIRTUE OR FOE
There was a time when I was proud of being a perfectionist. I thought it was a virtue, a personality trait that only the best of us would have, the ones who cared about producing extraordinary results. The ones who wanted to surpass themselves and to lead by example. The ones who wouldn’t leave the desk, even when working hours were long gone, always turning and churning in their mind every detail, because nothing was good enough.
Sounds familiar?
I’ve learned since then how radically restrictive this mindset can be, getting in the way of what I most wanted: to create something perfectly great. I also learned that perfectionism slowly erodes performance and self-worth, and is actually counter-productive, having nothing to do with quality. And this is key.
In fact, all perfectionists want is quality. It is in the confusion between quality and perfection that we get caught in this paralyzing loop.
A CLOSER LOOK
Perfectionism is a self-deceiving restrictive mindset in which what we care about (work, people, and most of all ourselves) will never be good enough. We criticize ourselves harshly and unconsciously sabotage every relationship we have. Why?
In the perfectionist state, we identify ourselves and our self-worth with what we do, most of the time not-good-enough. We suffer every time our work is criticized, dreading feedback and being mortified by mistakes and failure. The suffering is fuelled by an undercurrent of shame and disappointment with ourselves.
Shame, sadness, frustration and disappointment often surface in bursts of anger, anxiety attacks, chronic stress and depression; the fast track to burn out.
Our thinking is often distorted, with an army of gremlins showing up in our mind to tell us that “anything less-than-perfect is a failure”, “I wouldn’t survive the humiliation if I made a mistake”, “the boss told me I did a good job, but he doesn’t know that I missed a few things”, “they must think I’m a fraud”.
And my favourite one: “who do you think you are?”.
The thoughts and feelings of a perfectionist lead to chronic procrastination, agonizing over small details and difficulty completing tasks. Research is never enough before writing that article, speech or next chapter; years could go by before finishing that book.
Perfectionism is associated with what Stanford Psychology Professor and Researcher, Carol Dweck calls a "fixed mindset". In her research, Dweck found that people with a fixed mindset believe their abilities, talents and intelligence are fixed traits. They give up easily, avoid feedback and conflict, dread failure, don't engage with and don't learn from errors. They feel threatened by the success of others and rarely reach their potential.
IN TRUTH
Nobody is born a perfectionist, a “not-good-enough”.
This is a trait that we form, especially in unsupportive, demeaning, competitive, risk-aversive and failure-aversive environments.
We do have the power to change perspectives and choose to respond differently once we become aware that we are caught in the loop.
SHIFTING PERSPECTIVES
Here are the three big lessons I’ve learned through my recovery journey so far:
Worthiness has nothing to do with perfection. Nothing and nobody is perfect, and if they are, then everything and everyone is perfect in their own right. I came to see and appreciate the beauty, value and wholeness in imperfection, the wabi-sabi love that the Japanese nurture for the naturally imperfect world. I believe we each have unique gifts to offer to the world and every human being is worthy of respect and compassion.
Quality and perfection are two very different things. While the first is real, tangible and attainable, the second is an illusion and a self-deception, for it can never be reached. Seeking perfection is like a solo-journey in the desert, following the mirage of a life-saving oasis that eludes us every time we get closer.
My work, what I put out in the world is not about me. Yes, it is an expression of what I think and feel, of my experience and level of awareness, but that is not its main purpose. What I create is in service to someone else and to the greater good. When I turn my focus away from my ego, in service to others, I get clarity, easiness and flow. I feel less threatened by the critics, knowing that all I can do is readjust when needed.
GETTING OUT OF THE PERFECTIONISM LOOP
Everyone is different and not all tools or approaches would work equally. Pick what seems easier to you and get curious about what you resist. Some gremlins may hold you back from growing out of perfectionism. Here is what works for me:
Create a regular mini-mindfulness practice for yourself, even for 5min a day,to give your mind a break from the usual chatter. The space I created in my mind when all the self-judging chatter was quieted allowed me to see clearly and reconnect with my purpose and positive intentions.
Change perspectives and mindsets. Get a bird’s eye view. If you asked yourself and anyone around you, you will find that all we want is to create meaningful, quality work and authentic connections for ourselves and others. There is an inherent goodness in us, this is who we are as human beings, and we can choose at any time to live from that place.
Get used to separating your worth as a person from what you produce, your work, your creation. This way you can easily welcome feedback to re-adjust what is needed from you. Learn to give feedback with that in mind too. This is probably the most difficult step for most of us, so get support if needed. You don’t have to do this alone.
Consider quality rather than perfection and seek healthier goals. Clarify the criteria for the expected quality with your superiors, colleagues and yourself. This step is the GPS to beating perfectionism at its own game. The clearer the criteria for success, the better the outcome. Don’t settle for vagueness, you will err feeling guilty or even worse, ashamed that you don’t know where you’re supposed to go.
Work in layers to beat procrastination. Start with something small from which everything can grow. Follow the quality criteria as guide posts to build the next layers.
Be kind to yourself and accept your perfect imperfection! Realize that we all have a common humanity; we all share the same fears, the same dreams and most of all, the same vulnerabilities.
Remember to be in service to others to keep your ego in check. Start creating ripples in your organization, in your family and your community.
AN ORGANIZATIONAL EPIDEMIC?
There is growing evidence that health in the workplace is affected by perfectionism. Researchers from York St John University and the University of Bath have recently found that perfectionism is “largely destructive”, leads to poor performance at work, and finally to burn out.
Their findings also show that perfectionist tendencies are exacerbated in organizations where poor performance carries significant costs and the company culture doesn’t allow for failure.
Many companies, including Google established initiatives to counter perfectionism and increase performance and quality by accepting and even rewarding failure.
Understandably, failure may not be acceptable when life or health is at risk, but we can all create an environment where respect is the norm, and quality criteria are clear and attainable.
